Jumbled Thoughts…

I am absolutely amazed at how much I feel like I have changed in such a short time. Before I started this crazy adventure called college, I never really felt like I changed much at all…I know I probably did, but it just happened so slowly that I never really realized it. And trust me, I know I have SUCH a long way to go! It’s kind of exciting to think about how different I will be in four years when I (hopefully) graduate from college. I can’t even imagine what I will be like, but I know that I will be different. I have to believe that God has a picture in His mind of what He wants me to be like, and He is starting to change me and fashion me into that woman that He wants me to be, and knows that I am capable of becoming, only through His grace and strength.

My thoughts have been swirling around in my mind lately. I have been trying to figure out what God wants for me…what His will for my life is…and what major I should pursue. To be honest, it’s exhausting! And, even though I have been thinking about it for several weeks now, I haven’t really come to any conclusions about anything. Again, everything is just kind of swirling around in my brain, not really sure which direction I should choose. I think part of me is afraid of choosing ‘the wrong path’ so maybe I will completely mess up my life with this one choice…but I know deep down that that’s not really true. I mean, God will eventually get me where He wants me, even if it takes longer than it should. There are a couple things that sound interesting or fun or whatever, but I really just don’t know if I can see myself doing that theoretically for the rest of my life.

None of the majors that I have looked at so far have given me a spark of passion, you know? Maybe I’ll have to start taking classes in those majors before I get passionate about it, but maybe not. I am taking a class called ‘Intro to Electronic Media’ because I was exploring broadcasting and digital media, but it’s not helping me decide anything at all because it is pretty much a history class about media and it’s basically been really boring. Broadcasting and digital media is a possibility still, I guess, but, again, I don’t really know if I really want to do that for a living. I just don’t know WHAT I see myself doing in the future. It makes my head hurt to try to think that far into the future. I can barely keep track of today, much less the rest of my life! How am I supposed to know what I’m ‘supposed to do’? I wish I was that person who is perfecting sure what she wants to do with her life and has always been sure of it and it has never changed. I used to know what I wanted to do…I wanted to major in English and minor in creative writing and become an author. Now I don’t think that’s what I want to do. I think it would be fun to write novels on the side, but not as my main job, because I think that would take the fun out of it for me, and then what’s the point?

Another possibility is journalism. Some of those classes sound really interesting and fun, but some of them not so much (I’m not really into news reporting and stuff like that…) but there’s some editing and design classes that sound cool and a photojournalism class, too! That sounds interesting and fun! Then there’s another major that is sort of similar, but it’s different, too. It’s Technical Communications. I’m not so sure about that one. But I don’t know. How am I supposed to make this decision? Like I said, my thoughts are so jumbled right now I honestly have NO idea which direction I should go. I think that I have decided to not decide yet, and to think about it over Thanksgiving/Christmas break and over the summer as well, so that I can think about it and pray about it without having to go to school and think about all of that at the same time.

I met with my advisor this afternoon to talk with her about different majors and everything. She tried to help, and I think she helped explain some of the majors a little better, and we looked through the catalog a little deeper, but we only had about 40 minutes and I don’t really feel like she helped me all that much. Part of me just wants someone to come along and tell me what to do. I wish God would just call me up on my phone and say, “Hey Emily, this is what you’re supposed to major in and this is what your future looks like. Don’t forget that I’m here with you every step of the way, so go on the path that I have designed for you.” Why doesn’t He do that? That would be SO nice!

So, all of that said…I still have no idea where I’m supposed to go or what I’m supposed to do. How does a person figure something like this out? I know, this is normal, right? At least I hope so! It’s so much easier for me to have faith in other people than in myself. Before I was in college, like when my siblings were and didn’t have majors yet, I was like, “Oh, You’ll figure it out and you’re going to be awesome at it” lol. But now that I’m in their shoes, it’s a lot scarier. Or, like when my brother moved to Colorado, I was really excited for him (sad that he was leaving, but exciting for him) because I knew that that was probably where God was calling him too and I knew that he would enjoy it. But if that was me, I would TOTALLY be freaking out! Why is it so much easier for me to have faith in others and what God will do in their lives, than in my own life? I guess that’s an area where I need a LOT of growth.

So, I know, this is probably really boring to most of you and if it is, I’m sorry. But I guess I’m kind of hoping that maybe writing out some of my thoughts will help me to sort of sort through my thoughts. Because right now they are so jumbled and tossed about and random.

“For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.” 

-2 Timothy 1:7

At the end of my blogs (and maybe sometimes throughout…I don’t know yet) I thought I would add one of the pictures that I have taken lately. Kind of as promotion, I guess. I don’t know…They aren’t really that great…I’m still learning! I don’t have a camera of my own yet and I don’t even have a good editing software at ALL (those things are probably good investments). So, that’s what the random pictures are at the end of each blog entry 🙂 The following picture is really the first time, this past summer, that I tried my hand at photography. This is my adorable Niece! I hope you guys have a great weekend!



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