I’m going to take a break from my story for a little bit, to journal quickly.
Let’s say there’s a guy named Dan. And a girl named Kelly. Dan is a little older than Kelly (about 4 years), but love knows no age, right? Dan starts talking to Kelly (kind of randomly). Kelly isn’t sure what to think about it, but she thinks there’s no harm in facebooking or texting him every now and then. She has known him for a little while before he started facebooking her, but they never really hung out much. Being the good, Christian girl she is, she talked to God about everything that was going on, and she even promised to Wait on His timing on this. Well, time passed….Christmas break was over and soon they were back at school together. They played volleyball together a lot. At first, Kelly refused to take any initiative in the ‘relationship’, because ‘he’s the guy, so he needs to be the leader!’ Before she knew it, though, Kelly was the one to ask him if he wanted to hang out with her and her friends. Sure, he would ask her out for coffee every now and then, but that doesn’t really count for much, does it. He got to know her best friends. Kelly wanted to make sure that her best friends approved of him and they said they did. So Kelly and Dan and her best friends hung out a lot of weekends…going to movies, stuff like that. Kelly didn’t really get to know ANY of Dan’s friends. But Dan was busy. Way too busy for Kelly, usually. She was lucky to get one or two texts from him during the day usually. This drove her nuts…she tried to give him grace because she knew that he really was busy and that he had a good excuse (I mean, he was about to graduate and he has a hard major) But he couldn’t have been so busy ALL the time that he couldn’t even send a quick text every now and then. She wasn’t used to having to wait for five hours for a reply to her last text…when she would have to go look at her previous message because she had long forgotten what she had even told him because it had been such a long time since she sent it. Dan said a lot of nice things, when he did find time for her. But Kelly finally realized that words don’t mean crap unless they’re backed up by actions.
Well, again, time passed and before they knew it, it was time for Dan to graduate. Kelly went to the graduation since her brother was also graduating, but she never saw Dan that day because he was with other people and didn’t have time (even though she called him on the PHONE-which is really hard for her, btw). Dan had to stay for a little while after graduation to finish some things and, before he left to go home (hours and hours away from where Kelly lived), they wanted to hang out. So they went out to eat, hung out and walked around, etc, then he left. Without any word of what would happen next, even though in a way he had stepped up their relationship…and then he never talked about it. They said goodbye and she still hasn’t seen him since then. They talked for a while after that…mostly over Skype. It wasn’t perfect, but it worked. But Kelly was getting really tired of practically dating him and acting like a couple, but never being official. And it only got worse when he was hours away. She was actually almost ready to try the whole long-distance relationship thing, but she felt like she was stuck in a weird place in a relationship and had been that way for a LONG time. And she was tired of it. But he didn’t seem ready, which she suspected. One day, he again didn’t let her know what was going on (over text) and she got really angry at him and facebooked him a fairly long message, basically breaking up with him, even though they were never official to begin with. That was about three weeks ago. Kelly, again being the ‘good’ Christian girl that she is, took it all to God. She admitted that it was hard and she told him everything that she was going through. But she still seemed to have more questions than answers. More unanswered prayers than answered ones. She asked God to help her to completely get rid of this desire for a guy at all. Kelly stopped talking to Dan. Stopping Skyping him. But she couldn’t just magically remove him from her head. Every time she drives past a place where they had hung out, memories flash through her head.
Kelly has tried everything imaginable to get Dan out of her head. She doesn’t even know for sure how she felt about him! Did I really like HIM? She often asks herself. Or did I just like the attention and idea of him… she still doesn’t know the answers to those questions. She often finds herself moody now, when before she started college and everything started being crazy, complicated, and confusing she is often that way. She randomly gets in bad moods for no apparent reason, but deep down she knows that it is probably linked to Dan somehow. Not that she blames him, or anything. She probably more often blames herself for anything that happened, than Dan. I tried to do everything right, God, so why is nothing working out? She cries out to God daily.
She knows DEEP down, that there is hope for her. There is someone else. Someone better for her. God’s got a plan. But Kelly feels like she has failed her God yet again. She hasn’t completely trusted in that plan yet, even thought she has KNOWLEDGE that He has one, if that makes sense. She sometimes catches herself feeling a little jealous toward her friends who are dating. She hates this and takes it to God, but she doesn’t really know what to do about it. If I have been doing everything right (at least I think I have been…that’s what I’ve been trying to do!) why is nothing working out for me, which it seems so effortless to others? Others who aren’t necessarily even ‘doing it’ the ‘right’ way? Kelly still doesn’t have the answers. She trying her best to trust in God and His plan, but she honestly feels like the weakest person out there and daily asks for His strength to lift her up. She knows that she can’t continue on this difficult journey by herself.
Does that story sound familiar to you? It sounds a little too familiar to me…