Sigh…I think it’s time for me to take a deep breath and take a step back. This life is WAY to crazy and complicated for me to keep going at the speed that I am currently going at. When did life get this complicated?? Wasn’t it only yesterday that I didn’t have any worries in the world and everything seemed so simple and planned out for me. I have bittersweet emotions on the planned out life that I didn’t have a say in before now. Before now, pretty much everything was planned out by me by my parents, mostly. I don’t like not having a choice for most things, so I am glad that I can now start to plan my own life a little. But at the same time, it was so much easier when others made the decisions instead of me! I’m not big on making decisions :p
Anyway, I’ve had a pretty busy and confusing year, starting pretty much when I started college. And I get the feeling that this won’t necessarily end soon…it might even spin faster out of control than it already is! I have never considered myself a control-freak, or anything of the sort. I’m a pretty easy-going, whatever kind of girl. But I have come to realize that I have been struggling with wanting to be in control of some things in my life…and letting those things go, surrendering them to the only One who can make sense of all of this. I don’t know why this is so hard for me. I just started reading this book called “Sacred Singleness” by Leslie Ludy. If you have never read it, you should go read it…because it is seriously amazing! I am only in the second chapter, but I love it so much! It’s pretty much my life story so far…
But anyway, in the book she has been talking and completely surrendering our desire for marriage, or a guy to date, etc… with no expectation that God will reward you with a guy after you surrender it to Him! Again, that is hard for me. I don’t know why I can’t just let everything go and completely Trust Him. He has obviously given me no reason not to trust Him. He is definitely Trustworthy-and I know that! I wish I could just hand everything back over to him and happily go on my way and enjoy life and let Him show me what’s going to be next, instead of trying to manipulate things and do things my own way. Because I know that is not the right way to go. I know these things, yet I still struggle with them. I guess that means God’s just not done with me yet. If I were God, I don’t know what I would think of me. Probably, “Child, will you ever learn?”
Deep down, I REALLY want to give everything over to God and say that I have done it, and to mean it ALL. I really do want that! I want to please Him and I want His best for my life (I’ve been saying this through the whole situation, however). But actually acting like it must be my problem.
I love what Leslie Ludy says in “Sacred Singleness”:
“Most of us never truly die to self- we never really walk through the painful process of laying every hope, dream, and wish of our heart upon the alter before our King, or of letting our identity become swallowed up in Him.”
I guess that’s my path. I have known for a little while now that I think God wants me to lay down my desire for a boyfriend, or whatever. Deep down, I struggle with this, but I know that this is what God truly wants for me. I need to continue to get Lost in Him. I need to learn more about Him and about myself through Him. I have a ton to learn and apparently I’m not ready for a relationship yet. And that’s going to have to be okay. I need to lay those desires at my King’s feet and simply walk away. But not to pine for the day when I will meet “the one” and get married, etc. I am supposed to enjoy this season of singleness just as I will hopefully one day enjoy a season of dating someone. God has work for me to do by myself. I have a TON to learn, and apparently I will learn it better by myself. I must force my grip on the pen of the story of my life to weaken. I must allow God to pry my fingers from the pen, and give it completely to Him for Him to elegantly fashion my love story. Not for my glory, but for His alone.
I admit that I have high standards…I thought I had high standards before, but evidently they were not high enough. I have actually raised them slightly. And do you know what I have learned? I will not need to lower them! Sometimes I can easily fall into thinking that I have these high standards, but if a decent, Christian guy walks into my life and acts interested in me, and if he meets most of them, then that’s good enough. Well, guess what…I’m done settling. I don’t need to settle for anyone less than God’s best. Because that will just be wasting his time and mine. I believe that somewhere God is preparing a guy for me. Maybe I’ve met him, maybe I haven’t. But He will meet every single one of the non-negotiables on my list. In the meantime, I am committing to laying those desires for that guy on the alter, so to speak. More than likely, I will have to lay them back down every day for quite a while. I may subconsciously pick them back up every now and then, but when that happens, I will need to run to the cross faster than ever. I could never do this alone, and I know that God doesn’t expect me to or to be able too. That’s the beauty of GRACE.
I need to find a ministry where I feel ‘comfortable’ (that may be the wrong work because I know that service and ministry often isn’t comfortable, as we think of the word, but hopefully you get what I mean) and where I feel like I am truly serving God and others. I want to be able to minister to people and show them God’s love and share with them the few experiences that I have had. I have no idea what that might look like, but maybe there is something out there that I am actually good at that I could participate in and feel like I am actually serving both Christ and people and making a difference.
So that, my friends, is my quest. To daily lay my desires, thoughts, feelings, emotions of having a guy/boyfriend/eventually getting married down at my King’s feet with no expectation of ever getting that!!! And then to find somewhere to plug myself into. Somewhere to serve God. And people. Somewhere that I LOVE. Something that I LOVE. I know this won’t be easy, but I’m committing to it right now and, since I’m sharing it with you, I’m hoping you’ll help keep me accountable! So, my single girlfriends, if you have never read “Sacred Singleness” by Leslie Ludy, I would strongly suggest you pick it up. Who’s with me on this?