I’m Hiding. Hiding from people because I’m afraid to be hurt again. I realized this morning that I don’t even know how to feel, anymore. You might think that is a good thing, but no, it’s not. Not being able to feel doesn’t necessarily keep you from experiencing the bad moments, it just keeps you from truly enjoying the good. I used to feel, and love, deeply. But since then I’ve been hurt deeply, so I’m afraid to go there again. I have lost the ability to feel what it’s like to love somebody. I’m tired of not feeling safe. I’m tired of putting myself out there, in a way.
You know why? As I was writing the above paragraph, it forced me to see how silly I’ve been. I don’t feel safe, but that’s because I’m putting me trust in someone other than God. Whether it’s the friends that have left, or at least aren’t around very much anymore, or guys…I have started to put my trust in them. When that cute guy says that he likes me, then I’ll feel safe. When my friends come around and start hanging out with me again, then I’ll feel safe. How ridiculous is that?
“He is my loving God and my fortress, my stronghold and my deliverer, my shield, in whom I take refuge.” (Psalm 144:2)
Security. That has been such a struggle for me this school year so far, and I suspect that that will continue in the coming months of next semester. But I realize now that it is because I have completely placed my security in the hands of fallible humans. Even on their best days, humans cannot possibly have that much responsibility…because we were not made to keep others safe or to give them rest or security. I’m pretty sure that’s God’s job and I’m also pretty sure that He is perfectly willing and waiting for us to turn to Him for those things…and He’s more than capable!
I have convinced myself that loving others isn’t worth it. I’m tired of being hurt; of feeling alone; of feeling worthless, ugly, or not fun. As Holley Gerth says in “You’re already amazing” (I would suggest that you read that book if you haven’t, because it’s so good!), He knows what it’s like to have someone you love betray you, to be abused, to be crucified when you’re innocent. He knows. And he still says “Love is worth it.”
Do I dare drop my mask that so often hides who I really am? Do I dare tear down those walls that have so long been locked in placed? Do I dare make myself vulnerable again? Do I dare re-learn how to feel? Can I go outside of my comfort zone and give my security back to the only One who can truly cherish me and never let me go without failing me?
“He gives them security, and they are supported, and His eyes are upon their ways.” (Job 24:23)