{Fall Semester} 2014.

I meant to post this a while ago, but I wanted to write about last semester; {Fall Semester} 2014. This is the last day of 2014. That is so incredibly crazy. So much has happened this year. The following points are just a few of the things that I learned this past semester (not the whole year)…although there are so many more that I could add to this list. I hope you can relate and I hope that you can see the ways that God has pulled through and shown himself to you this year/last semester too! Have a wonderful News Years Eve and I wish you all the best in this coming year, 2015! 😀

  • I can do the impossible.

I can walk through journeys that I thought I wouldn’t make it through. It wasn’t fun. And it isn’t over. I felt like there was a long line of people who all needed to talk to me about something that would change my life. I still don’t know what’s going to happen. But I’ve gotten through some long days when it felt like nothing was going right. It got to the point that I didn’t even know what was going on anymore. I didn’t know what to do, think, say, or pray. I even lost hope a couple times. But whenever that happened someone was always there to redirect me and help me put my hope back in God.

I now run. What? I have always hated running. Like, with a passion! I know that I have tried to start running before and stopped many, many, many times, but for some reason, this time it’s different! It’s cold outside. I never ran when it’s cold outside. I hate the cold. I hate running. Why would I put myself through that? Something changed. I’m motivated. Sometimes I don’t even feel like running, but I know that I should, so I do. Before, if I didn’t feel like it, I would make excuses. I can’t say I enjoy it too much during the run (I’m working on that!), but I can say that I absolutely LOVE the feeling I get when I’m done. Sure, I’m sweaty and tired and I can hardly breathe…But I’m proud of myself. Proud that I did what I thought was impossible. I am now up to running 4.43 miles, which I’ve never done at one time in my life. Impossible. Yet I’m doing it.

  • Feelings are good

I was hurt. Deeply. I never wanted to feel that again. So I blocked my heart. I cut everyone off. I never let anyone in. I never let anyone love me. Because I thought that if I didn’t let anyone in, they wouldn’t have the power to hurt me. I thought that I could stop feeling everything and, even though I realized that the good probably came with the bad, at least I wouldn’t feel the bad. I thought it was worth it.

It back fired.

Instead of that making everything better, I shut out everyone who tried to care for me. I refused the benefit of amazing friendships and all the blessings that come with that. I refused to let people love me, so I couldn’t love anyone else.

I’m learning that feelings are good. We are told that pain/hurt is bad. Lonliness is bad. Guilt is bad. But is that true? What if those feelings lead us to so many better things? (I suggest reading ‘The Voice of the Heart’)

  • It’s okay to cry, even in front of other people. And it’s okay to completely break down in front of your closest friends.

Okay, I hate crying. Especially in front of people. But I hate crying. Doesn’t that make you weak? Shouldn’t I be able to handle what I’m going through without making a scene?

No.

One day I completely broke down in front of my three closest friends. It was embarrassing, but once the tears started, there was no going back! So I accepted it and let it all out. There was no judgment. They prayed with me. Right there. In a random stair well. In many ways, I’m sure that is one of the times that started healing my heart.

  • Having close, Godly friends can’t be beat!

This goes with the one right above. I don’t know what I would do without the people who listen to me, talk some sense into my hard head, pray with me, encourage me, and point me towards Christ when my life is spinning so fast out of my control. Many relationships have gotten so much deeper this semester and I couldn’t be more thankful for them.

  • Maybe being completely broken is the best place to be.

Maybe it’s the way that I grew up (the environment, etc.), but I have lived most of my life before about a year ago living behind a mask. But then I realized that I was exhausted. It’s tiring always holding that mask in place to appear perfect. It’s exhausting pretending that you’re someone else. I thought I should look like the ‘perfect Christian girl’. I should have perfect Christian relationships that perfectly meet the expectations. I should look like all the other Christians. I should act exactly like them. I should want to do the same things.

I think that’s bs.

I got fed up with trying to look perfect all the time. Because honey, if you know me, I am a complete mess sometimes (although before now, I would never have let you see that). I got tired of being so afraid to let people see me without makeup on, that I would refuse to hang out with people if I had already taken a shower and taken my makeup off. So Sometimes I go out without any makeup on. Sometimes I just don’t put it on that day. It’s not worth it. I got tired of holding all of my brokenness behind the perfect Christian Girl mask. Now, I am much more aware of my own brokenness and I am even able to let a lot of people see it. And besides, maybe broken is the best place to be because then God’s strength and perfection can be shown more clearly.

  • When you can’t praise Him, that’s okay. Sometimes it’s okay to just cry out to Him.

I always thought that we were supposed to praise God in every circumstance. And you are. If you can. But I couldn’t. And that made me feel like a horrible Christian. But then one of my best friends told me that some Psalms ended in praise. But in some Psalms, David just cried out to Him. He didn’t praise Him. He cried out. He didn’t understand what was going on. It’s okay to cry out to Him. He just wants to hear your voice.

  • I’m never going to know what’s going to happen.

As hard as I can try to figure out what my life will look like in the future (even just a week or a day ahead), I will never be able to do it. My life looks COMPLETELY different than I thought it would a couple months ago. But I’ve learned that that’s okay…and it also kind of makes life a little more exciting, not knowing what’s going to happen!

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