Okay, so…I don’t know if this post will even make any sense. I apologize if it doesn’t haha. But I’ve been sitting here, thinking that I want to write something (actually for my Messy Monday post, because I was too exhausted to yesterday)…but I felt like I just couldn’t. I actually started two different posts for Messy Monday, but none of them was flowing like my writing usually does. And I think it’s because I was trying to make it all come from me. And I never wanted my writing on here to come from me. I’ve written this before, I’m sure, but somehow when I write on here, it isn’t me. I have started writing posts before only to completely turn the subject and the words into something that I never intended to write about. I guess that’s a God-thing, huh?
There have been so many random thoughts running around in my head lately. Thoughts about literally everything. And I’ve had no rest from them. No clear direction in how to deal with everything, how to come to a place of peace and joy in spite of everything that is going on in my head right now. I’ve had this intense feeling like I need to get my thoughts out of my head somehow, in order to deal with them. But I’m not sure how to do that. I’ve thought of different creative outlets that I could use…songwriting (which hasn’t been going all that great recently), writing, talking…truth is, I’m tired of thinking so much. I’m tired of not even knowing what to think anymore. But I also haven’t had that break-through moment yet where it all suddenly pours out of me. Sure, that will probably cause pain, but it’s not like I’m not in pain now, right? And I bet there will be relief and happiness after all of that feeling, right? I long for the day when I can look back at this time and see what God was doing. See that God had finally heard me and brought me out of this. I long for a day when I can finally say that everything makes sense now. I long for a day when I stop destroying myself with my own thoughts and when true happiness finally returns.
Yesterday I was pretty tired. Because I think I got a heat stroke or something two days ago. So, I was tired of working through my earth science homework that was due Monday night, but I was trying to get it done Sunday night. I took one test. I could take it again, but I thought that I hadn’t run in a little while (since the beginning of the week, I think), so I decided to take a break from earth science and run a little bit. At first I was thinking maybe a couple miles, since I hadn’t run in a little while. But then I decided that I wanted to beat my old record of running 5 miles. So I changed, put on my Nike running shoes, quickly drank a small cup of water, plugged in my iphone, and headed off with the determination to run 6 miles. And when I put my mind to something, I make sure it happens, even if it almost kills me. It was in the middle of the afternoon and when I started, I didn’t really think it was all that hot. But a lot of the route that I decided to run that day was in the sun. There were trees covering that bike path every now and then, but there were long stretches that were out in the sun. At least I got to work on my tan, right?! Haha. It was hot. The run probably would not have been that bad, except I was dying for water and it was super hot. I eventually got back from my 6 mile run. My time was horrible. I felt terrible for the amount of time I had to walk. But I was so hot and thirsty. I got back and I drank water. Then I got a headache. I tried to do more earth science, but then I decided to relax a little bit as I ate something. Then I fell asleep. For almost 2 hours. Then I woke up when my Dad asked me if I wanted something to eat. So I went downstairs and grabbed a piece of warmed-up pizza. I ate that, then went back upstairs. All of my energy was drained. I tried to sleep by about 10:30, which I don’t normally do. All that to say, I felt terrible…yesterday there were moments when I felt completely drained and exhausted as well. Don’t do that to yourself. Ever. Haha.
Anyway, just a few completely random thoughts. I felt like I had to write today, though. I doubt this post even made much sense haha But as I said, I just felt like I needed to write…something!