I have been so intent on changing into the woman that I should be, that I lost sight of so many things.
I forgot that who I am right now is important too.
I forgot that who I am right now is part of my story that, although is not necessarily a pleasant part of my life, God is shaping my story to fit in with his plan.
I forgot….HIS timing, not mine.
What I wanted was good. I wanted to grow as a person and grow closer to God this summer. How is that a bad desire? As I was spending time with Jesus this morning, I kept that question in the back of my mind. But somewhere as I was writing words about trusting God and having peace through this time that is confusing for me, out of nowhere I wrote…
“Change is coming…and not on my clock.”
That kind of came out of nowhere, as I said. I can’t really say I heard God say this to me, but somehow I found my pen writing this out…I think that is how God often speaks to me…he uses my own hand to write words from himself.
One of the biggest desires that I had this summer was to change (pretty much completely) by the time next semester comes around. I mean, I understand that changing is a process, but that’s a long time, right? My greatest fear was going back to school and being the same that I was last year. Same struggles. Same attitude. Same outlook on life. This morning, I had to give Him that desire too. And it is a good desire. But I think He wants those desires, too. He wants to change me into the woman that I should be…I know that He does…just not on MY time table. Not my timing, God, but yours. I don’t think that means that no change will happen between now and when next semester starts, but I do think He is telling me that it won’t all happen magically and as quickly as I wanted it to.
This summer has been difficult for me so far. Besides missing certain people like crazy, I have had to come to terms with some things about myself and God. I have had to lay down more and more desires, even the good ones that I had, with the right intentions. But even through all of this mess, and confusion…
I will choose joy.
I will choose peace.
I will choose to love where I am at.
I will choose to trust You, God, even when I can’t see your plan. Even when I can’t see your hand on my life, because I KNOW that it is there.
I will choose You!
God wants our desires…even the ones that we think maybe we have already given to Him…even the ones that we are positive line up with what He wants for us…even the good ones and the ones that we have good intentions about. “Change is coming…just not on my clock.” I will choose trust.